October 2012
3 posts
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Epilogue 944
The eunuch is back! This is not good news for Kevan Lannister. It seems that if you’re the POV character in a prologue or epilogue, you’re not going to have a good time. I think they’ve all died. AGOT: Kid beyond the wall killed by wights. ACOK: Maester poisons himself trying to kill Mel. ASOS: Black Brother dies shortly after the prologue / Frey hanged by Zombie Cat. AFFC: Poor old Pate....
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Daenerys 929
Things aren’t looking all that great for Dany. She can’t control Drogon, she’s starving, lost, and it sure seems like she’s riding the pale mare. She’s also getting her moon’s blood, I thought that was over with after the events of AGOT, but maybe it’s a symptom of the flux. Or maybe the witch’s words are coming true. A sun rose in the west and set in the east, mountains blew in the wind like...
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The Queen’s Hand 914
Quentyn is officially dead, it just took a few days. Third degree dragon burns will do that. Barristan has sent the Green Grace to talk to the Yunkai, but doesn’t believe it will actually change anything, so he continues planning for an attack. He wants to send Quentyn’s friends to the Tattered Prince during this battle to try and get the hostages sent back. This will probably not work. Green...
September 2012
27 posts
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Jon 899
He ain’t dead, I’m calling that right now, probably along with every other reader. But he was stabbed at least four times, so that sucks. I mean, he might die, but he won’t stay dead. Mr. Snow is just far too important in this world to go out like a sucka. But then again, this IS A Song of Ice and Fire. More on this in my ADWD Final Thoughts post. Before his brothers betray him, Jon receives a...
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The Dragontamer 887
It was Quentyn and crew who loosed the dragons. Not on purpose, they meant to steal them, but come on now, fucking dragons, yeah right. They got the guard’s code word for the day (“dog”) which got them as far as the door to the dragon’s pit. It’s ok though, they won the fight and got in. This is where the real trouble begins. You see Quentyn, THESE ARE DANY’S DRAGONS. And they even spit fire...
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The Kingbreaker 872
Ser Barristan decides that the king needs to be taken down a peg or two. He conspires with the Shavepate and makes his way to the king’s bedroom. There is a kick ass fight, and since Selmy is smart enough to wear armor, he wins, spilling Khrazz’s guts all over the floor and taking Hizdahr into custody. Chapter ends with a cupbearer bringing news: “Hey, by the way, the dragons are loose.” HELL...
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Tyrion 860
Lil T signs away a shit ton of gold to get into the Second Sons. When that’s all done head heads out looking for armor and finds Penny. The dog and the pig are gone, she’s pissed, and he’s trying to play down the fact that they are almost certainly dead and eaten by now. Oh well, at least they probably weren’t raped, though if this were Westeros…. It seems that Penny has a case of the...
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Cersei 848
It still feels like these should have been in AFFC. I get that GRRM needed to split the books geographically instead of chronologically, but why not put everything he had for Jaime and Cersei into book 4? They added nothing here, at this point Cersei’s chapters are just a distraction from the real action happening across the Narrow Sea and up at the Wall.
But anyway, they shave her, everywhere,...
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The Ugly Little Girl 835
Her first assassin mission, and she comes up with a clever little plan to do it. Poison a coin, slip it into a payment, knowing that this dude bites all of his gold, and voila, one dead insurance agent.
We get a look into the Face Room, it seems that before you get to change your face magically like Jaqen did you get actual peeled faces graphed onto your skin, but still with some magic since...
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Vicatarion 827
So Victarion is basically a serial killer at this point. He calls it sacrifices to the gods, but he is roaming the seas having a murderous good time. They’re headed towards MEereen, capturing every ship they find to add to their fleet, “freeing” the slaves aboard (by allowing them to live and continue rowing, but for Vic now), and killing just about everyone. He even fills up a small boat with...
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The Sacrifice 814
“March, I said, and before the moon can turn, we’ll all be bathing in the blood of Freys and Boltons.” -Arnolf Karstark
We’re back with Asha and given the title of this chapter I was sure it was time for her to burn. She’s got kingsblood after all, and we’re due for a big death. Instead we get a family reunion at the end, which is good enough I suppose.
Before that though, four men are burned...
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The Griffin Reborn 801
The invasion of Winterfell has officially begun. Connington has retaken his father’s seat as the rest of his ships make their way to various locations in the Stormlands. We get a history of the castle and Connington, poor guy just chose the wrong side back when Robert rebelled. If only he had been more like Tywin, burning the town instead of searching for Robert, history would have been a...
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The Spurned Suitor 793
Silly Quentyn, you should listen to Barristan the Bold.
So he wants to steal a dragon. If he tries this he will end up a smoking pile of bones. The Tattered Prince will help, in exchange for Pentos. They’re both all talk and none of it’s going to turn out like they plan. This story better reach a satisfactory resolution in this book. I don’t want any of that cliffhanger shit when it comes to...
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The Discarded Knight 783
Things are not looking good in Meereen. Not that they ever really did, but in the aftermath of Drogon’s attack it seems like we are on the verge of a total meltdown. Hizdahr has taken over as king, though he proves to be a big pussy by doing pretty much nothing when he is presented with the head of one of the hostages he had given away to assure peace during the opening of the fighting pits. A...
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Jon 769
“Alfyn’s member was a wee thing, even smaller than yours, but he was never shy with where he stuck it. Had a son in every village, that one.” -Tormund Giantsbane The wildlings are coming through the wall. Jon takes his hostages, and Tormund leads his thousands south. He may yet prove to be serious bad news, but he seems like a cool dude. You can always count on him to make a dick joke. After...
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Tyrion 754
“You know how it is with queens. Fickle cunts, the lot of them, and Cersei is the worst.” -Tyrion Lannister Finally he makes his move, escaping his dying master and presenting himself to Brown Ben Plumm. This was a bit risky since his head is worth a lordship, but Ben is smarter than to act quickly and harshly. As the imp tells him at the end of the chapter, he has a lot of talking to do, oh yes...
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The Iron Suitor 741
Oh yeah, Victorion still exists. They’ve had a rough journey, lost a lot of ships, a lot of men, and he’s got a nasty ass festering wound on his hand. The maester on board is some 23 year old teacher-type who seems way out of his league here. No matter, a Red Priest shows up, and he’s black. Not African black, not even Wesley Snipes black, but burned, charred black, if we are to believe the...
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The Queensguard 730
“The worst were those who played the game of thrones.” -Barristan Selmy It’s nice to get into the head of Selmy, I’ve always liked this guy. Proper and honorable, like old dead Ned. Rumors are swirling about Dany’s death but we readers know better. Well, I guess we don’t know FOR SURE, but come on, falling off of a dragon to her death off page? Please. It’s just a matter of when she’ll come...
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Cersei 717
I guess it’s nice to hear from her again. She’s still in her cell, and going a bit crazy. She finally decides to “confess” to the high septon, who doesn’t seem thrilled with her but I guess he’s happy to get a confession anyway. They put her into a much nicer cell after this, and don’t wake her up all night. They even allow a visitor a day. First up, her uncle Kevan. He brings her up to...
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Jon 700
The black brothers are still not pleased about the wildlings being allowed to pass, but a lord commander’s gotta do what a lord commander’s gotta do. ON the surface it seems like Jon is being weak, but he really has the realms’ best interest at heart. Like he said before, every body north of the wall when the others show up is guaranteed to come attacking.
His deal with Tormund seems like it...
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Daenerys 687
“Horsemeat and onions makes you strong.” -Strong Belwas
FINALLY, some sweet muthfuckin flying dragon action. Unfortunately it’s not at The Wall, but I’ll take it. I really thought Drogon was going to show up at The Wall during an Ice Zombie attack. Oh well, it could still happen.
The fighting pits re-open, yada death yada, and then the dwarves come out for a joust. Lucky for Tyrion Dany...
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Theon 673
Annnnnd he’s back. No more Reek. Goddammit I like Theon. I don’t want to, but he has been redeemed, just like it was with Jaime a few books back.
Little Walder Frey has been killed. Manderley denies having any part in it but openly does nto give a shit (“he was a Frey, after all” so yet another Frey ups and slices his throat. Except you must remember how god damn fat this guy is, only hif...
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Daenerys 661
The wedding feast is blah. Dany is pissed about a slave market being opened within sight of her city (a slave market where two dwarves were recently purchased). She really doesn’t like her new hubby but lets him have his way with her anyway because she loves her people. She takes Quentyn down to see the dragons, he could still be pretty useful to her. Just a lot of setup really, the fighting...
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Jon 647
“Under the sea the mermen feast on starfish soup, and all the serving men are crabs, I know, I know, oh, oh, oh.” -Patchface
Mel officiates a wedding between Alys Karstark and the Magnar of Thenn. Uncle Karstark is none to pleased about it, but can’t do much about it now that he and his men are locked away in the ice cells. During the wedding feast a horn sounds. Then suspense happens. Then...
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Jaime 632
“I have more squires than I know what to do with. Every time I take a piss, they fight for the right to hold my cock.” -Jaime Lannister
SQUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, Jaime’s back! Too bad it’s a bore of a chapter. Just tying up loose ends really, and throwing in Brienne at the end. It feels like this would have been much better in AFFC, not just because it’d be along with the rest of them, but because...
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Tyiron 618
Tyrion, Penny and Jorah are sold into slavery. Luckily it’s a freakshow/carnival type slavery setup for a rich dude. And even luckier (well, maybe) it seems that they intend to bring them into Meereen to perform in the pits. Or maybe fight to the death, that wasn’t 100% clear but I’d imagine it will be just to perform the show. Except with Jorah and Tyrion there in front of Dany, some kind of...
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A Ghost in Winterfell 605
Still not Theon. But definitely not Reek anymore. Someone has been doing a fair bit of killing inside the walls of Winterfell. Yellow Dick is found dead with his frozen blue dick cut off and in his mouth. What a way to go. There are others, all Bolton men, but Yellow Dick is easily the most memorable.
It’s either Mance and his girls or Manderley’s men doing the killing. Probably Manderley...
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The Blind Girl 593
A brief but rather excellent update on what Arya’s been up to. As expected the blinding was part of her training and not permanent.; The chapter ends with her regaining sight, though I fear this will be the last I see of her until The Winds of Winter. Anyway, she manages to get around while she’s blind. Lots of neat little tricks. And she’s still having some serious wolf dreams. The Faceless...
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Jon 579
“A long hard winter will leave the Watch so deep in debt that we will never climb out, but when the choice is debt or death, best borrow.” -Jon Snow
Queen Selyse arrives and she’s all bitchy about it. Jon tries to get her to just go back to Eastwatch, everyone would be happier, but she refuses. She doesn’t seem to like Mr. Lord Snow very much. Well, fuck her.
Jon works out a loan from...
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Daenerys 564
“I am your queen, and I command you to fuck me.” -Daenerys Targaryen
The time has come to wed Hizdahr, and she does at the end of the chapter. She spends the days leading up to the wedding sucking and fucking Daarios though. I hope they end up together. Which means he is going to die, probably in the next Dany chapter.
Quentyn and the Dornishmen reveal themselves, and Dany politely but firmly...
August 2012
31 posts
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The King’s Prize 549
‘Tis Asha, duh. This chapter can be boiled down to about three words: Winter Fucking Sucks. Stannis’ men are dropping like flies, their horses too, as they march toward Winterfell. Ashsa is getting proper high-birth treatment, but it’s by no means an easy journey for anyone. Things already didn’t look good for Stannis when he set out, and now having lost probably like 80% or his forces (by the...
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The Turncloak 536
Just a little bit of catchup. There is some very slow rebuilding going on at Winterfell, Fake Arya has been locked in her room since the marriage, Theon is still not accepting his Thoen-ness, though he must be getting close if the chapter’s title is any indication. He goes to the weirwood and hears crying, so Bran must be watching. I wonder what that little bugger is up to. And his brother.
...
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Tyrion 524
A big ass storm wipes out most of the ship, while Tyrion and Penny hang out in their room, which is covered in pig shit. They don’t have sex, but Penny does kiss him. It’s clear neither of them really wants it, she was just scared she’d die a maid. They made it through the storm though, but after 19 days afloat at sea slowly eating down their rations a slaver ship shows up on the horizon. Say...
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Jon 514
“Free. Corn. King.” -a raven
Val goes north of the wall to find Giantsbane, hoping he and his crew will come south. Everyone whines to Jon, which I’m fine with since Jon spent a solid two books whining to everyone else. Finally, a group of wildlings head northeast under the guidance of Mother Mole, who says they’ll find ships to take them across the narrow sea. Yeah, right, slave ships maybe....
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The Watcher 500
“It ends in blood, as it began.” -Lady Nym
It’s been a while Areo. This feels like it should have been in AFFC. All it really does is set up the next move for our Dornish prince. Not-Gregor’s giant skull arrives, and they naturally have their suspicions. They’re wary to send the now one-eared Myrcella back to King’s Landing, but it needs to be done. So a party departs for King’s Landing...
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The Prince of Winterfell 484
“When you have known the kiss of a flaying knife, a laugh loses all its power to hurt you.” -Theon Greyjoy
I would not have guessed this chapter would have ended with Theon going downtown on Jeyne Poole, but here we are.
This chapter chronicles the wedding of Ramsay Bolton and Fake Arya. Sadly it is no Red Wedding 2. Manderley is there, but doesn’t seem to be up to anything besides...
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Daenerys 473
A whole lot of nothing is still going on in and around Meereen. Against the advice of her council Dany heads out to the sick Astaporians surround Meereen to show them that their mother loves them. They distribute food and help dispose of the dead. Surely someone close to her has the flux now, and we’ll have an outbreak within the city walls.
Her and Jon have lots of parallels nit his story,...
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Jon 461
Jon is taking some new recruits beyond the wall to say their words at the weirwood. He’s advised to not go, but you know, honor and the gods and stuff.
Their scout says that there is a group of wildlings in the woods, women and children and dead among them, but also a giant. When they arrive there is almost a bit of a kerfuffle, but when they say they’re there to say their words to the gods the...
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Bran 448
They said he could be anything, so he became a tree. That’s right folks, Bran the Broken will soon have branches growing through him. Lots of magic in this chapter, particularly warging. Bran bullies himself into Hodor whenever he wants, he’s nice about it but poor Hodor is stuck hiding in a corner of his own mind, he does not seem to like it at all but he tolerates it. He also learns how to...
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Tyrion 434
“Light our fire and protect us from the dark, blah blah, light our way and keep us toasty warm, the night is dark and full of terrors, save us from the scary things, and blah blah blah some more.” -Tyrion Lannister
Tyrion and Penny are slowly becoming BFFs. In other news, they’re still sailing. Closer to Valaryia than is comfortable, but they’re in a bit of a hurry to get to Dany. In a chapter...
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Reek 420
“All you have I gave you. You would do well to remember that, bastard. As for this…Reek…if you have not ruined him beyond redemption, he may yet be of some use to us. Get the keys and remove those chains from him, before you make me rue the day I raped your mother.” - Roose Bolton
Goddammit GRRM stop making me kind of like characters that I hated a book ago. By the end of this chapter Reek is...
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Melisandre 407
Mel’s first chapter is a pretty great one. She’s actually pretty nice when she’s not seeming all mysterious. And also not so magical, lots of what she does is just an illusion. She doesn’t really know what she sees in those fires, she kind of sees what she wants. For example, she asked to see Azor Rholler Ahai (oh you know who I mean, born of stone and salt, she thinks it’s Stannis, but it’s...
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Daenerys 395
Meereen sucks and Dany sucks. She continues to try and make the most of a shitty situation, but there’s not a lot she can do. The Quartheen ships are making like in Meereen pretty difficult, and it won’t belong before the starving starts. Well, it probably will since they seem to have lots of food stores, but tensions are high and shit will go down very soon.
They get word of the flux that...
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Davos 382
“The north remembers, Lord Davos. The north remembers, and the mummer’s farce is almost done. My son is home.” -Lord Manderley
Praise be to the Seven, Davos is alive! It was all a ruse, Manderley actually <3s Davos! He set up a secret meeting with big D to explain everything: he had to fake Davos’ execution so as to not anger those in King’s Landing. Now that he’s proved his loyalty his son...
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Jon 372
Jon is sending Ser Aliser to his death. At least that’s how he sees it, and he is not going to give Jon the satisfaction of having a reason to behead him, so he goes out, vowing to come back to Jon - dead or alive. Then Rattleshirt and Jon have a pretty awesome sparring match, Jon gets his ass handed to him but that’s a good thing, Ned’s advice was always to spar with the bigger and better men so...
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The Wayward Bride 332
Asha has been married off to a big old ugly dude. Not that she was around for the wedding, but that didn’t stop them. She’s busy banging Qarl and thinking of ways to never ever had to spread her legs for her husband. And if she doesn’t want to do it, she won’t, no one fucks with Asha. They’re talking a bit after their rapey-sexcapade and we learn that only four ships of thirty remain. Asha...
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The Windblown 320
“One of her captains comes of a line where the men have foot-long members, but even he’s not big enough for her. She rode with the Dothraki and grew accustomed to being fucked by stallions, so now no man can fill her.” -Beans
Hey Quentyn what’s up. His Dornish boys are traveling with the Windblown, a company of sellswords. Of course it’s all part of their game to get to Dany. We learn the fate...
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Daenerys 293
The Harpy’s sons are still causing trouble, so Dany says she’ll marry Hizdahr if he can clean up the streets and there is no crime for 90 days. Meanwhile Daario has returned and Dany’s panties are dripping wet. Not a lot else going on here, just some set up for what’s to come. Still no Drogon. I’m hoping he shows up at the Wall and roasts some wights, that would be a solid fucking ending to...
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Tyrion 276
Jorah is back and he’s got himself an imp. Taking him back to the queen he says, so a Dany/Tyrion meetup is imminent.
Before that though Tyrion tries to teach a few lessons to Aegon. Don’t trust anyone, he says. Duh. Also, he should just head over to Westeros now, it’s the perfect time. Don’t go begging to Dany, have her come to him on the shores of King’s Landing. Solid plan.
Tyrion gets...
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Jon 267
Stannis is gone, for now. Jon and his Black Bros head to Mole’s town to distribute food. You get an onion OR a withered apple, but under no circumstances will you get both. It’s a shit situation, and the wildlings that are complaining about being starved to death are right to do so. Though they would have starved to death north of the wall as well. If you’re a wildling, you’re gonna starve.
...
